Alone
by menz815
Summary: Kate's POV. An exploration of Kate's feelings and thoughts throughout S4 and S5, especially in regards to Aaron. Spoilers through 5x11. Some mentions of Skate, but this is a Jate fic.


A/N: This fic is a little all over the place. It's mostly about Kate's abandonment issues and how she always feels like she is being left behind. I tried to explore how Aaron fit into that whole picture. There is some mention of Skate, but this is a Jate fic. I made a real effort to figure out what was going on in Kate's head during the last couple of episodes and also have it fit in with the Lost's story.

Anyways, hope you enjoy reading it.

Disclaimer: Don't own Lost. If I did, Cassidy would be on a stick cooking over a fire.

* * *

"_Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away"_, you sang, letting your soft notes sooth the small infant in your arms. It had been a long night a couple of months ago when she had called Jack for some advice on how to get the baby to sleep. _"Sing him a lullaby"_, he had said. _"There's this one my father always used to sing to me, Catch a Falling Star. Put me right to sleep."_ You supposed now that you should have laughed at the irony of it. Because it was a long night about 9 months ago when Claire had told you her father sang it to her. Now, only days after that father's funeral, you sang those words, trying anything to sooth away the pain of abandonment from those that had left you and Aaron behind.

* * *

Cassidy was all that you remembered, wanting nothing but honesty, blunt and to the point. But you hadn't expected the bitterness. You couldn't believe the audacity of this woman sitting before you. To say that Sawyer was a coward when she could hardly know the man that he had become. And so you defended him, remembering how proud you were of the sacrifice that he had made, the one he never would have made only 100 days before. You could still feel the single tear running down your face, the image of him floating in the water still vivid in your memory.

And yet she went on, claiming that he did it to get away from you. All you could do was look at her with some pity and disbelief because you knew the look of an abandoned woman, someone who was desperately holding on to something because that was all that was keeping her from jumping off the deep end, from feeling the pain.

"_You got the same look on your face that I did when he ditched me."_ She had said. And you supposed you had looked abandoned. But instead of seeing Sawyer jumping out of that helicopter, all you could see was Jack's back as he walked out of the church, your mother with her chili-stained apron fleeing a vacant bathroom, your father's reflection in an army office window. Yes, you had been abandoned all your life.

"_Why are you lying to me about him?"_ She asked about Aaron.

"_Because I have to."_

Because for once in your life, you didn't want to feel alone.

Cassidy had her anger. You had Aaron. That's what you were holding on to.

* * *

Life went on. You still expected (more like hoped) that Jack would come by. But days grew into months and you began to let go, instead focusing on_ your _child, the one person who had never left.

It was only when you were put on trial that the gravity of your situation dawned on you. Aaron had no one else in this world. He needed you to get out of prison. That little boy needed you, he needed someone to depend on, he needed someone who wasn't going to abandon him, and you intended to be that person. You _had_ to be that person.

And just when you thought that you were all alone, Jack had come back (_but I will come back here for you_). And you realized that maybe you weren't so abandoned after all.

* * *

You never knew life could be like this. This kind of happiness was the stuff of fairy tales, not of reality. But you had never been one to believe in happily ever after, so when Jack walked out that door (again), it didn't really surprise you. And yet, the weight of the diamond on your finger only served to make the weight on your heart greater. It broke from the strain, and the only thing keeping it in place was the boy in your arms.

* * *

"_I had to take him, he needed me."_ But as you said it, you could taste the lie on your lips, the bitterness of it swirling in your mouth until you couldn't even taste the coffee Cassidy had given you. You had spent the last few years trying to convince yourself that as his mother, you had to protect him and take care of him. And although Jack's words had cut like a knife (_you're not even related to him_), you know his blade had been true.

"_You needed him."_ Cassidy had said. You couldn't fight the sinking feeling that she was right.

"_Sawyer broke your heart, how else were you supposed to fix it?" _You didn't have the heart to tell her that it had already been broken. That every time someone walked out of your life, a little part of your heart cracked. It was Jack that had taken up a hammer and smashed it all to pieces. And it was Aaron that was holding it together by a thread. You had needed him, and it wasn't fair to use him anymore.

"_I'm sick of lying!"_ You remembered Jack saying.

And you suddenly realized, so were you.

* * *

Walking down the stairs back to you car, you weren't sure where to go. Every step, every moment brought you further away from him, and your body screamed with the pain as the threads that tied you together tore at your heart. And when they snapped and you were only left with the pieces, you wanted nothing more than to go to someone who understood. It was only a moment before his voice ran through your ears (_he's my family too_), and you knew exactly where to go.

You hadn't meant to let it go that far, but he had looked at you with such understanding and love, and for a moment you felt whole, like you always had in his arms. So, you immediately forgot about all the pain he had caused you because if there was one truth in all the lies, it was that he loved you, and as much as you had tried to fight it, you loved him too. In your darkest hour, you just didn't want to be alone.

Was it so wrong wanting to not feel abandoned?

* * *

Life went on. Jack was still by your side even though you barely ever said a word, and when you found out that Sawyer had moved on and was living with Juliet, he gave you an encouraging smile, as if he understood. You couldn't help but be hurt after realizing that the man who had jumped out of helicopter to save you had fallen in love with someone else. You couldn't help but feel abandoned. Maybe there was a part of Jack that understood that.

But you were wrong.

* * *

You couldn't remember the moment he had changed, but maybe you had been too distracted to notice. Maybe you had only seen what you wanted to see. So when he refused to help Ben, you vented all of your frustrations, just wishing that things would go back to the way they were. _"You know, I don't like the new you. I like the old you who wouldn't just sit around and wait for things to happen."_

His next words shot through you like a bullet, burning your insides, as the hot metal ripped though you body. _"You didn't like the old me, Kate."_

Words swirled through your mind (_I have always been you_, _I'm so glad you changed your mind, I'm so glad that you are here, of course I will, yes_) fueling the dizzying rage that was coursing through you body. You didn't even remember walking to the infirmary. When Juliet asked you if anything had happened between you and Jack, you couldn't keep the sarcasm from dripping from your voice as you said _"we were engaged, does that count?"_ Because apparently, to Jack, it had meant nothing.

It was only later that you remembered your words on the airplane (_we're on the same plane Jack, that doesn't make us together_). You had resented him for being so happy, so put together, when your life was in fragments. And so, you spit out those venomous words to cripple him, to see him come down to your level because after all you were damaged goods (_the both of us_).

You drifted back to your earlier conversation (_I did it for you, Kate_), and you remembered the look on his face, that one of pain and defeat, and you were struck by its familiarity. It was the same look he had given you when you had taken his hand in that game room (_I trust them because you told me to Kate when you asked me to save Sawyer's life_), and suddenly you couldn't breathe. You were back in that tree with Juliet and you were soaked from head to toe, shivering from the cold, and her words sent a chill right down to your very core.

"_You broke his heart."_

It was only then that you realized you may have hurt the only person you had left.

* * *

Please review if you have time. ;)


End file.
